Seasons of Grief: An attempt at processing my grief of losing my mother through verse or poetry

Most days, it feels like my head is stuck wearing a water filled fish tank And I’m gurgling water, almost choking without air And you come along and ask me some ridiculous thing Like, “Are you feeling better lately?” Even though it’s only been 10 months since my mom’s been gone.   I can’t be upset with you.   You’re not stuck in a fish tank of thought that seals you off from others around you Or distorts all the faces, words and actions of those in your way.   You’re out, freely walking on daffodil paths with a dazzling sky overhead  Even if you say your life has its hardships   At least you’re not the one stuck with a fish tank of thought swirling around your head   My fish tank is all consuming.   That’s the problem with it.   It doesn’t give me any perspective but instead blocks me off from other's hurt and pain I see people and their life through watery eyes and think they must be living the best days of their life I think this because they ha...

I miss the me I was when you were here, When there always seemed to be a happy ending to every story and end of day. There were a lot more birds singing and sun shining back when you were here. You always looked for the good in each situation and in each person. Each time I leave work or take a long drive, I miss calling you to pass the time I miss how tightly you'd hug me and the love I felt from you every time I talked with you.  I miss the version of me that I was when you were here. I miss the naivety that I had to grief and loss and miss the carefree days of my life before you were gone. The version of me before you were gone was a lot less anxious, a lot less sad, more optimistic, nowhere near as lonely, bolder and less afraid of everything,  and a lot more spirited. Back then, everything was different - including me.  I miss the version of me that had you here. You believed in me even when I struggled to believe in myself. You supported my passions and hobbies even...

 Fear crawling up my throat Worries fogging up my mind Thoughts whirling in this storm. It beats me down and makes me shake I can't make my mind escape From the terrible thoughts within When suddenly through the dark Comes a distant sort of sound That breaks through the screaming storm Hello? It's my sister on the other line "How are you?" she wants to know "Oh, you know...." and we both do. I don't want her to worry about me,  But know that if I'm not honest, she'll still see through me So we talk about her sniffly babies The baby shower planning that I'm working on The silly boy drama that I've created in my mind. 40 minutes pass in a flash  And I hang up feeling better but also nostalgic That used to be mom and me.  I'd call her whenever my mind started to race And we'd talked for an hour about everything and nothing at all.  But today, my sister stood in the gap and listened to my silliness.  I think we both felt better at the...

A man stopped by our office the other day He talked with us about retirement He seemed ready to go saying  “I’ve worked 26 years at this job and one day you wake up and realize that you’re old and time has flown by in a flash. You know, no one knows how many days they have left” And suddenly, I knew He had experienced grief. He didn’t come out and say it but just in his phrasing, I knew. Later, after he had left, I asked my coworkers and they confirmed that he’d lost his mom just the month prior. Now through my own grief, I’m more aware than I ever was of other people’s grief. And while it’s hard to be compassionate and forgiving to myself at times, I immediately feel a deep sense of empathy for those who have also loved and lost someone My mind also thinks about the grief that Jesus experienced. It’s completely skipped over in the Bible, but I wonder, desperately at times, how Jesus handled losing His father. Did He experience feelings of hopelessness, despondency, agony, and mayb...

I sat at a stop light today and watched the cars pass me by. And in each car, I saw death. There were faces of people old and new. Each one will pass away, maybe someday soon. Some will have to leave when they're young and others will last quite a while. Either way, it will still be too soon.  I can't help but think with everyone that I see, "they'll die some day too".  And then I chide myself for thinking such thoughts.  These thoughts are not the normal me.  But the "normal" me has gone away and I fear she'll never appear again.  Every time I look at a stranger and wonder how much longer they have left, I am startled and worried at these awful thoughts. Why does the new me always have one part of my mind reserved for death? Why does there seem to not be any way of letting in light and releasing the thought of death?  Why do I now constantly think about my own death? Will it be painful and slow? Will it be something I don't see coming? Will it t...

While I sit alone in my house on this cold November day, I think about all the things you'll miss now that you've gone away.  You'll never get to hear my stories, both the silly and the happy Stories of the dates I go on that are cringy or a little sappy.  I'll never get to ask you how to know if someone is the one Or listen to you tell again how you knew dad was your forever one I'll never get to show you my future engagement ring Or go wedding dress shopping with you early in the spring And yet, these thoughts are nothing new.  I thought them first back last June when I finally new that you would not be here for me with all these new firsts And suddenly everything in my life felt agonizingly the worst.  You'd asked me if I'd met a man, Someone with promise, a future plan. But tears fell hard as I realized then, You'd never meet my future him Through all your pain, your hurt, your fight, You held me close in your fading light. A moment of love, through ...