I Dreamed of Her

It's been a while since I've written down my thoughts

Mostly because I've not been as low in spirits as I have been in the past

But last night I dreamed of my mom 

In my dream, scientists had discovered how to bring people back from the dead just for a while. 

They took my mom's ashes, which have still not been scattered and sit in a box in the corner of my parents study floor (a room I avoid at all costs when I am back in town). 

They took her ashes that are now over a year and five months old and were able to bring my mom back to life. 

It looked like her but she wasn't the mom that I have my best memories of. 

Instead, she was the memories of my mom from the last few days of her life - so frail and thin, with no energy in her face, and a look of pain behind her eyes. 

In my dream, I hugged her tight and asked her if she remembered anything from the last year and a half. 

No, nothing. 

She said it was like going to sleep when you're about to have a procedure - no horrid dreams, thoughts, or memories at all - just complete nothing. 

Somehow, that gave my heart peace, knowing that she wasn't able to see my pain, sadness, and the grief I'd struggled through. 

Still, I want to believe she would be proud of how hard I've worked to be compassionate towards myself through this grief journey. 

Then I woke up and again, I felt peace knowing that she wasn't in pain, that she didn't have to have another doctors visit, feel the after effects of chemo making her sick, or relive through all the struggles she'd had about missing so many things with her family in the future. 

There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her so much that it aches. 

But I'm trying to live for her and to be faithful to Jesus so that someday when Jesus comes to take us home, and wakes my mom up from her rest, we can both rejoice together in what God has brought us through. 

The dreams that I remember are usually of things that make me afraid. 

Maybe I should have felt afraid at the strangeness of my dream of mom coming back from the dead because that seems a little spooky. However, by the end of the dream, when I woke up feeling at peace, I decided that feeling was God's way of reminding me that He's here with me. 

He loves me. 

I'm not alone. 

My mom is asleep - also at peace.

Soon we'll be together with Him and our hearts will know nothing of grief but only His joy and peace.

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