A View of Death

I sat at a stop light today and watched the cars pass me by.
And in each car, I saw death.
There were faces of people old and new.
Each one will pass away, maybe someday soon.
Some will have to leave when they're young and others will last quite a while.
Either way, it will still be too soon. 

I can't help but think with everyone that I see, "they'll die some day too". 
And then I chide myself for thinking such thoughts. 
These thoughts are not the normal me. 
But the "normal" me has gone away and I fear she'll never appear again. 

Every time I look at a stranger and wonder how much longer they have left,
I am startled and worried at these awful thoughts.
Why does the new me always have one part of my mind reserved for death?
Why does there seem to not be any way of letting in light and releasing the thought of death? 
Why do I now constantly think about my own death?
Will it be painful and slow?
Will it be something I don't see coming?
Will it terrify me to the core no matter how much faith I have in God that my future is secure in Him?

Is death ever before me because death has recently entered my life?
I was unaware of it before the day it took my mom, my best friend, my steady supporter.
And now that she's gone, I realize the fragility of life. 
Everything is but a breath. 
And I can't help but notice the breath of everyone around me. 

Will this ever end?
Will I one day stop seeing people with ticking clocks above their head?
Will I eventually not feel a small amount of pain and wonder if death has come for me and if I'll now have to bear the horrendously slow death that my mother had to suffer? 
Will I one day finally start to live again?
To wake up and not feel the dark, heavy cloud of my own existence around me?
To go through a day and not think of the unfairness of death
It doesn't discriminate between the young or those with life to still live
If death could be persuaded, I would have gladly changed places for my mother's. 
But when I think of it, she would have done the same for me 

Death is all around me in each passing car and stranger in the store
But some day, I hope to see them differently,
Not as I did before death was present in my life because I'll never be able to go back
But rather to see people as those who are truly living. 
It seems near impossible now with the heaviness of what I feel but someday soon
I hope to stop wishing to bring mom back to me
But to instead live for her, and live the life she would have wanted for me. 
Someday soon, I hope this will come true.